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Friday, May 25, 2007

Just as what my title reads, I'm writing this entry addressing to my current predicament and also saying my truthful feelings and responses. But seriously - things are already up to a point whereby I can't really leave things as they are and just live on like this. Things are getting stressful and my patience meter tends to go low very quickly.

As the saying goes, "Like I Have a Choice". I don't have a choice over whether I can skip deployment, whether I have such a neighbour or whether I have such a bunkmate.

These days I find deployment quite stressful. I have to be good at resuscitating casualties, good at CPR, good at the management protocol and good in the stores (accounting the stores and locating the correct store at the correct bags and boxes). I got already problems remembering how many resuscitation equipment I have - not to mention how much stores I have to bring down from the vehicle to the ground if I have to deploy. It's just pure stress and really tiring. I sometimes tend to forget my protocol and all that. I don't have the analysing space and strength to remember everything. I'm also not very confident of doing things properly myself.

Not to mention that really some of the platoon mates are not helpful at all. They don't have to deploy - play as casualties - but didn't help in keeping the stores and moving the stores back. And what about things like area cleaning? At least pack your own area and not give excuses like "they usually don't care about the tidyness".

Just because you don't feel like doing it - you are just letting others do more to cover for you. Fair?

Now talk about bunkmate. And not like I have the choice. He also happens to be my team mate and I also don't know what he's thinking. Just can't explain things in simple logical terms. Sometimes I feel he's quite a good and reliable colleague - at least able to help in taking stores, printing documents and help me talk to the admin officers from other units. I don't really mind working with him, but when physical stuff comes into play - there's question on efficiency. Living with him though tends to get a bit creepy, weird....

Finally the factor that today tipped my "happy-tired" balance. My neighbour. Today suddenly I find that it's so tiring to be nice to people like him. I am tired of giving. Giving unconditionally. I really don't mind being totally nice / totally giving in to what my friends want. But being with him I find that I just learnt a lot of negative stuff and I just don't feel I became a better person being around with him. And there are just so many times I have to be patient, I have to be giving in to him and now, I have to say, I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.

So tired that I have to write it so many times.

Why am I being so stupid trying to encourage him during physical conditionings when he only give responses like "Shut up", "Don't make so much noise" and "Kaobei".
Why am I letting him put the mahjong table at my place even though my parents obviously didn't really like the idea.
Why am I keep offering my place convenient to him to play.
Why do I have to defend him when other platoon mates say bad things about him.
Why do I have to lend him the money when it's so difficult to get back the money from him.
Why do I have to keep listening to his ramblings about him being so poor when obviously my bank account doesn't have as much money as him - and my family is also very troubled and always quarreling over money.
Why do I have to give him counselling or console him when he and his teammates quarrel.
Why do I have to lend him the USB cable when obviously he's going to borrow it for such a long time and my father is reluctant to lend it out.
Why do I have to tolerate all his insults and scoldings at the basketball court when we are all playing basketball.
Why do I have to wait for him when he doesn't even reply me whether he's going for nights-out with me.
Why do I have to listen to all his complaints when he loses in basketball or a PSP match.
Why do I have to lend him my iPod / PSP when he is not feeling happy or when his PSP ran out of battery.
Why...
The tons of whys that seem so unconditional but I'm now so tired. I need a bit of breathing space, a bit of time but he just comes and keeps greeting me "Hey neighbour".

Now I can hardly cope with myself and I don't want to cope with him. I just find that he never shares my burden and I don't get the benefit of friendship from him.

What's more disappointing is - his insults when I'm in the basketball court. Actually if people know me well, I don't use to play sports during the years in school. I never played the sport at all. I know I'm really lousy at the sport. I want to try and want to change. I want to also play with my platoon mates.

I was so close to erupting this week at the court. "I'm lousy then lousy la. Then I get out don't play lor." I learnt this line from him. And I'm really learning this escapist mindset from him.

It's really time for me to think of myself first. Time to get really selfish. Sometimes when wanting to watch the movie with the platoon it's just so tedious. Tedious. Asking bunk by bunk who wants to watch and help everyone collect money and get tickets - somemore having people like him refusing to draw money from ATM to pay up for the movie tickets. It's just so frustrating. And having to wait for the whole group to be ready - I suddenly find it - so tedious.

Tired.

I don't want to be nice anymore.

I also want to just lie in the bunk, play PSP, skip all the "saikang" and just wait for lunch and dinner. I also want to have off-pass. I also want to have medical appointments. I also want the easy way out.

I don't mind working and work to my best ability. But everything and everyone just seem to be so unsupportive.

I'm also tired.

Tired.

And I hope I'm not close to being tired of living.